As of March 15, Montreal’s UNDZ underwear company will be issuing insurance policies for penises, provided their male customers buy three or more pairs of the company’s underwear. The insurance is carried by Lloyd’s of London, and it pays out if, for some reason, your penis somehow becomes detached from your body (with certain exceptions of course).
Why would a man possibly ever want to insure his penis? Believe it or not, penises are in more peril than you may realize. An UNDZ spokeswoman cited Google as her reference when telling The Huffington Post that, on average, about 16,000 penises are either injured or detached (ouch!) every year.
Bernard Dore mentioned in a press release how he thought it was ridiculous that a man can insure everything from his dog to his life, but not his “most important asset,” so Dore’s company set out to rectify that issue. (Wait, they’re not covering his wife - zing!)
Those who may be considering lopping off their own members for a quick payout should think again. In any case where a penis is surgically removed, whether in sex change operations or for other reasons, then the detached penis will not be covered by this insurance. Intentional penis removal is not covered either, so if you’ve already got your girlfriend hovering over you with a butcher knife, you should most definitely reconsider.
When it comes to Lloyd’s of London and penile insurance, they have a bit of experience in the area, insuring none other than rocker David Lee Roth’s member one year ago for $1 million. The company has also allegedly insured such celebrities as journalist Anderson Cooper, late-night talk show host Conan O’Brien, chef Emeril Lagasse, and pop superstar Justin Bieber. We have to wonder if Three Dog Night’s lead singer Chuck Negron’s penis explosion would have been covered under this policy.
You can even check out their immensely NSFW promo video in which a man gets rather over-excited watching two rhinos going at it on TV. Oh, did we neglect to mention that he’s sawing a piece of wood ridiculously close to his only-cover-by-boxer-shorts genitals? You can probably imagine what happens next, but if you’re ready to squeeze your legs together in sympathetic pain (even if you’re female), then feel free to watch the video for yourself.
While these men may or may not have had their penises insured, one thing’s for sure: Roth’s policy is not the first time someone famous has sought monetary protection over an important body part. For example:
- Gene Simmons insured his legendary tongue for $1 million.
- Keith Richards insured his middle finger for $1.6 million. No, not for that reason, but because it is the finger with which he strums his guitars.
- Bruce Springsteen insured his voice for $6 million. Rod Stewart did the same, but for much more than Springsteen’s policy, at a cool price tag of $15.5 million.
- David Beckham blows both Springsteen and Stewart out of the water with his insurance policy. He covered his soccer ball-kickin’ legs for a policy worth $70 million.
- Roth apparently got the idea to insure his member when fellow bandmates Eddie and Alex van Halen were taking policies out for themselves, Eddie for his guitar-pickin’ fingers, and Alex for his elbows on account of playing the drums.