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R. Kelly Turns Rolling Stone's Ridiculous Suggestions into Comprehensible Songs

R. Kelly a.k.a. the Rumpelstiltskin of R&B.
R. Kelly Turns Rolling Stone
Image by www.vibe.com

R. Kelly is not one to back down from a challenge. Kelly claimed that he would be able to make a sexy tune out of just about any concept you could throw at him, and Rolling Stone magazine decided to put his skills to the test.

In all fairness, one look at Kelly's resume proves that he has what it takes to get the job done. After all, he made songs like “Sex Planet,” “Sex Weed,” and “Sex in the Kitchen” into not only comprehensible tracks but enjoyable ones. And don't even get us started on the whole “Trapped in the Closet” series.

Rolling Stone gave Kelly four random and ridiculous phrases, grabbed the popcorn, and sat back to see what he would come up with. Let's just say that Kelly did not disappoint.

Some of the Kelly's results, which are available for immediate listen and download, include “Sex Dolphin”, “Italian Hero Sandwich of Love,” and “Ice Hockey.” While Kelly had the lyrical content down, he knew he was still missing an essential ingredient.

To up the ante, Kelly teased that he could make these good songs great if only he had the instrumental tracks available to accompany them (wink wink, nudge nudge).

So Canadian deejay ANGO offered to help Kelly out and give the latter's tunes the back-up sounds they required. The result is very “spin yarn into gold” - Kelly took Rolling Stone's yarn and, with a little bit of help from DJ ANGO, did indeed transform it into gold, making otherwise meaningless drivel into full and comprehensive songs that might even end up making Kelly a small profit in the end.

Lucky enough, all of this comes on the heels of the release date for Kelly's upcoming album, his 12th as a solo artist: Black Panties, which will drop on December 10, 2013.

There are two covers available for this album. In the first, Kelly is dressed all in black, wearing leather pants and a Phantom of the Opera-esque half mask over the right side of his face. Over his lap is draped a shiny and toned caramel-skinned lady wearing nothing but, you guessed it, black panties, as well as black boots. Kelly is in dragging an instrumental bow across her body because he knows how to play your body like a fiddle, girl.

In the second, Kelly is looking as smooth as ever while laying amongst a sea of barely clad young ladies, save for – you guessed it – the black panties. Interestingly, you don't see any of the ladies' feet, but one can hope that these girls are not wearing the same boots as the girl on the first cover, because ouch. Also, one lady's head is placed strategically in Kelly's crotch, which is cleverly obscured by the album title's font. Just what is she doing, I wonder? Maybe she's just taking a quick nap.

For a glimpse into some of the material you can expect on Black Panties, here some of its threads: “Marry the Pu**y,” “Show Ya Pu**y,” “Throw this Money on You,” and “Legs Shakin'.” Guest appearances on Black Panties include Ludacris, Jeezy (not so “Young”?), 2 Chainz, and Kelly Rowland, amongst others.

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